1984

I'll make this short. I'm doing a remix/remediation project in my WEPO class on George Orwell's 1984, and I came across this poem/song while reading:
Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me
There lie they, and here lie we
Under the spreading chestnut tree
When I first read it, I didn't think too much of it other than it was probably about the government and the government's betrayal, though after reading the book, I think I fully grasp the meaning. That poem/song is probably one of the saddest things I've ever read. 1984 was a wonderfully written book, though I don't think I'll ever read it again. It was so intense, I don't think I could physically handle it. I'm already immensely sad after finishing it. I identify with the characters of books too well. I'm always affected by what I read. The total and utter breakdown of a man. I could never put myself through reading something that horrid again. Unless of course its for a class, then I have no choice in the matter.

Sunday Chapter

So, today I had chapter-per usual on Sundays-and we just happened to have a short program about bullying presented to us by our very own Vice President of Member Development. Now, this is the second chapter all semester that I had attended so I guess it was my luck to stumble into this particular one. This particular program especially hit home with me because, unfortunately, my Little has been being bullied by a certain infamous duo. (It's shameful to say, but yes, now we have girls like that in my sorority.) However, I feel our VP didn't do the subject justice. For one thing, she somewhat blew it off to be a joke. It's honestly not funny. You hear stories on the news all the time about bullying and how negatively it affects people, sometimes pushing them to harming themselves or suicide-horror stories and claims-making, causing bullying to be a social problem; Dr. Schwabe should be proud! I was also a little irked by the fact that our dear VP honestly didn't know what she was talking about-one of my biggest pet peeves, don't talk about something you know nothing about or at least don't talk extensively about it so you don't make an ass out of yourself. I'm sorry, but venting my negative feelings on this blog-about a person that is-is not bullying them, even if they do read this and realize it is about them. Bullying is something intentionally done to hurt someone either mentally or physically. It's like the difference between violence and aggression. Violence is just causing harm, whether it is intentional or not; aggression is the intentional use of violence. Not all violence is aggression, but all aggression is violent. Bullying is "aggressive", while venting can be "violent". Also, and I'm sorry if you feel differently but, I think that anyone who believes private consultation with a bully will resolve the issue is extremely naive. I feel "bullies" should be confronted in a public place so they can have the pressure put on them, by having an audience, to discontinue any reprehensible behavior. Our VP claimed that public confrontation wasn't a good idea as it didn't allow for a normal reaction/response from said bully because they would act differently due to having an audience in response to my suggestion of a public confrontation. THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT! It's invoking pathos into the audience which in turn invokes pathos into said "bully" because they now fear the negative judgment of their peers that comes with the label of a bully. I don't believe that one should stoop to an aggressor's level, but I also don't believe in standing around and taking abuse from someone. Sometimes, you don't have to take the highest road possible to be the bigger person. I believe that in a situation like bullying, one should be worried most about effectively resolving the issue, regardless of how the "bully" feels about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in the ideology of "an eye for an eye"-it only makes the whole world blind-but if someone is disrespecting you and is showing blatant disregard of how their actions/words effect others, than it should be brought to their attention in a way that will make them see the error of their ways and at the same time force them to face the consequences of their actions.

This kind of thing always gets me riled up. I cannot stand injustice of any kind. It literally boils my blood. I'm just not the type of person to sit back and watch others get hurt. A Prime example would be when I confronted one of my close friends in the sorority because her actions were hurting other sisters-and at this point I'm done with her because she has continued to act in a way that is hurting people so she's either really fucking stupid, or has no regard for sisterhood, or friendship for that matter; stupid or selfish I want nothing to do with it. I don't care if I'm best friends with a person, if you do wrong, I will bring it to light and I will demand that it be fixed. At this age you know what's right and what's wrong, no matter WHAT state you're in-trust me, I've been in plenty of other "states" to know this is true. If you're willing to do what's wrong, you better be willing to deal with the consequences. We make decisions every day and we must live with the consequences of those decisions. There's no getting out of it.

If you must know...

As I am currently undergoing the process of discovering myself, there isn't much that I am too certain about anymore. I used to be religous, but I've come to a fork in which I don't know if I believe in God because I really truly believe in Him, or because I was raised and taught to believe in Him. I would consider myself spiritual. I do believe that there is an ultimate Balance in the Universe, and I do believe that the Law of Attraction IS how the Universe works. I want a life full of people and experiences, not things and money. I believe in karma, and find the Indian culture to my liking (I LOVE diverse cultures!) I love astrology and astronomy-basically anything dealing with the Universe/cosmos fascinates me. Elephants are my favorite animals, they symbolize power, strength, beauty, and intelligence. I also love birds because-to me-they symbolize freedom, and I want nothing more than my freedom, as-I feel anyways-I am an independent person. Music is something I hold near and dear to my heart. It can brighten my day, inspire me, calm me down, etc. I used to play the flute in band in middle school, and I regret stopping. I'm currently learning how to play my guitar, working on the song Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles. (I taught myself just by listening to the song-as I can't read tabs). I believe that the whole is greater than the sum of its part as well as simpler than the sum of its parts. People are complex, I understand this, so I try not to judge. I am good yet bad, strong yet weak, spontaneous yet predictable. I am all these contradictions and then some. (As of now, Karin Taylor is one of my favorite artists).

(He's just too cute :)

100%

Of all the things in life that I am absolutely, 100% sure about, who I am is not one of them. I'm positive that the sky is blue, cells are the building blocks of life, calculus is ridiculously hard, and that I fall victim to the natural entropy of the Universe time and time again. It sounds a little ridiculous for someone to claim that they "don't know" who they are, but in my case, I don't know who I TRULY am. I'm well aquainted with the shell of a person that I created to greet the world and put my "best face" forward, but as for what's underneath, I have almost no clue. It took me awhile to realize that I was just a shell, but that was because that shell is so convincing when you're always preoccupied; busy with friends, homework, television, and such. No time for your thoughts, always tuned into the murmur in the background telling you to keep with the status quo and not to question what you see around you. And why is it that we occupy ourselves so? Keeping ourselves constantly busy so as we don't have time to deal with our own selves? Is it because we subconsciously know that something is missing? Do we not want to reach that conclusion because its much easier, and happier to believe that we are whole in who we are? I recently found myself asking these questions when I realized that something WAS missing from my life.

I've always hated taking showers in the morning because I always get these deep, intense feelings of loneliness-which is just preposterous, as my family are sleeping in their separate rooms, not more than 200ft away from where I am. I am not alone physically, just mentally. In the shower, there is nothing to distract you from the thoughts in your head, or the feelings in your heart, and if you don't know yourself well, these thoughts and feelings aren't of comfort as you probably have no clue why you are feelings these things, or thinking these things.

As sad and gloomy as this discovery may seem, I find it fascinating and exciting! I've always wanted more from life-when I say more, I do not mean riches and luxeries. I find this as an exciting learning experience. I have more motivation to try new things, to emerse myself into something that could potentially be what I do for the rest of my life.

I've always known I was different from everyone else; I was never on the path for "things" but for "people". I never wanted the materialistic/consumeristic lifestyle. What I want is something more substantial and real. The way I figure it, material things are meaningless (everything is meaningless until you give it meaning, but that's irrelevant to this point). When you're dead and gone, you can't take it with you, so what good is it really?